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The Funny Thing About Infertility :: Part 1

Before I walk you through my personal experience with infertility, I’d like to note that my husband and I are now the adoring parents of two young children: A so far personality-less newborn baby boy and a drama queen of a toddler girl. All in, it took from September of 2013 – November of 2017 to create and deliver the two best things that have ever happened to me. We consider ourselves extremely fortunate for everything we were able to create and would like to give a shout out to the magic of science.

Part 1: The early and naive days

The funny thing about not being able get pregnant when you really want to… Said no one ever.
What I am about to do is tell my infertility story in an extremely lighthearted, and hopefully humorous, way because that’s how I deal…
It all started in the summer of 2013 when my husband and I decided we wanted a family. So we did it like they do on the discovery channel.
A few months in: nothin’. But that’s ok; it takes some time and practice to succeed at something you’ve been trying to avoid since the day you found hair down there.
Next move: Ask Google: “I’m having sex; why can’t I get pregnant?”
Top Google Answer: Review your Sex Ed notes from 6th grade.
Discovery: Not only did it have to be the right time of the month, but we also had to have all parts in working order to make wanted baby. This was extremely strange to me because there seemed to be so many people out there who had no idea what time of the month it was and they definitely did NOT seem to have “all of their parts working.” And they had a lot of babies (according to their Facebook posts).

Part 2: Time to get aggressive

I took my temperature every morning, dip stick tested for ovulation every night, set up a nookie calendar including reminders to flip on back with legs up after said nookie, checked my cervical mucus (man was this gross), ate dates and pineapple cores, sucked bone marrow, and took Mucinex for good measures.

After another few months of the above shenanigans, we were still coming up empty, literally. It was then that I talked to some of my friends who told me about a magical pill (Clomid) that got you pregnant instantly. Sometimes it even gave you two babies at once!
I waited all of 30 seconds to call my OBGYN and make an appointment. I wanted this magic pill yesterday. Mostly because (well in addition to wanting a baby) I was over the cervical mucus checks and Mucinex gave me dry mouth…

Once at the doctor, the first question that was asked was,  “What was date of your last period?” I looked at her blankly realizing I had no idea (which meant not recently). She asked if I may be pregnant and I said, no, not according to the 100th pregnancy test I took yesterday. Shoot, I hadn’t even gotten a positive ovulation reading since aggressive behavior started. Do those things really work?
The doctor’s next question: Have you ever had a regular period? Sure, when I was on birth control from when I was 18yrs old to when I went off the pill 6 mo ago. Pervious to birth control, did you have a regular period? No, I’ve never really had one which has been great!

Now, let’s take a step back here. When making bread, if you find yourself without flour, the rate of success in baking a nice loaf is slim to none. Swap period with flour and loaf with baby and here you see the problem: no flour, no bread, no period, no pregnancy.

So, no, you cannot have a RX for Clomid my dear; we need to get your body working correctly in order for you to get pregnant…

Part 3: Medical Magic

Which included lots and lots of blood work, blowing up my tubes with a balloon until it bursts, waiting, more waiting, and listening the nonsensical advice of friends and family. Following that advice led to more yoga! Rent a convertible, get drunk, and go to town in the back seat! Stop thinking about it! Eat spicy things and drink dairy. Oh and maybe oysters? I heard they are good for romance…

Months later, good news was reported, tubes are free and clear, thank you very much, balloon explosion! Blood-work is back and everything looks fine/normal. I was told there is no reason to believe there is anything wrong with my reproductive system other than the fact that I don’t get my period… No big deal…

Tomorrow on “The Funny Thing about Infertility”: Meet your new best friend – Dr. Endocrinologist

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