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How I Dealt With the Initial Grief of Having a Child with Special Needs

When you become pregnant, something magical happens. You become protective of this teeny, tiny person that you have never met. You do everything in your power to make sure you are eating healthy, exercising, taking your prenatal vitamins, etc.

You begin to listen to your body in ways you never thought possible. You begin to understand the real meaning of unconditional love.

With my youngest, I did everything to ensure a healthy baby. I went to every appointment and got every ultrasound. She was doing great. Strong and healthy. Four weeks before my due date I noticed a change in her movement. I figured, since it was a Friday evening, I would see if everything got better over the weekend and if nothing changed I would go in Monday morning. I waited 3 days. When I made it to the doctor and got an ultrasound, my baby was in distress. I was told to walk across the street to the hospital and prepare for an emergency C-section.

That was one of the longest walks of my life! I was all alone about to deliver my baby. I started to wonder if my waiting  had made things worse.

After the C-section I didn’t get to see her. She went to the NICU and was diagnosed with Down Syndrome and pulmonary hypertension while I went to my room. When I was finally able to see her she was gray, her lungs weren’t functioning on their own, and I wasn’t even allowed to touch her. I wanted to grieve. But there were other mothers around me. And some of their children were dying. What gave me the right to mourn a child still living?

Six weeks later she was able to come home breathing on her own, but then it hit me that now I have a child with Down Syndrome. I was so concerned at birth about her survival that nothing else mattered. I didn’t mentally prepare for a child with Down Syndrome. Life suddenly became filled with doctor appointments, therapies, home visits, meetings, paperwork, medical tests, etc. And I still had a daughter with autism to care for.

Norah went from NICU to home in 6 weeks.

Nobody prepares you for this. I was still grieving the child I thought I would have. I was grieving the fact that I may never hear her say mommy or that she would have developmental delays. I was grieving over my life that now had become a to-do list. I grieved for my other children because their lives changed dramatically as well. I cried myself to sleep at night. I grieved because there were mounting medical bills that I couldn’t afford to pay; I knew there had to be resources in the city but I was afraid I wouldn’t qualify for them because I still worked full-time. Life was heavy. 

During this time, I was building a more intimate relationship with God. Praying and reading scripture allowed me to see the bigger picture. My faith began to take over my grief. God showed me the big picture. My baby was blessed. She was here. Yes, she came with extras but aren’t all kids extra? She was Norah first, my beautiful daughter second, and then she just happened to have Down Syndrome. I developed a heart of gratitude. I began to speak positively about my life and our circumstances. God made me realize just how much we needed her. Norah brought us closer as a family. She made me understand that each day is a blessing…be grateful. I feel an immeasurable amount of joy knowing that God chose me to be her mother. We celebrate her accomplishments in her time. I don’t do comparisons. And guess what, she says mommy in sign language and that is one of the most beautiful signs in the world. 

Ready for Pre-K!

I still have those days where I cry. Life still gets heavy at times, but I can pull myself from under that veil of grief with prayer and words of encouragement. I wouldn’t trade Norah or her sisters for anything. They each bring something unique to my life. There’s something about that unconditional love. 

 

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8 Responses to How I Dealt With the Initial Grief of Having a Child with Special Needs

  1. Avatar
    Crystal August 27, 2018 at 7:20 AM #

    i tried so hard not to cry….didn’t work out so well. You have an amazing trio and there are no words to describe the type of person you are to be able to deal with it all and still smile. You have my love and respect.

    • Angela
      Angela August 28, 2018 at 8:34 AM #

      Thank you Crystal!!!

  2. Avatar
    Amidah Saleem August 27, 2018 at 12:24 PM #

    I have always adored your strength. To hear this story has made me honored God more. I have always saw you smiling and pushing, never showing a ounce of defeat. I now know it was your faith carrying you through. You have done so well Tackling adversities that comes your way. You just dont knw how you’ve help me just by watching you be the bomb mother you are.

    • Angela
      Angela August 28, 2018 at 8:36 AM #

      Thank you Amidah! You are just as inspirational. We have been through some things but look how God sees us through.

  3. Avatar
    Bethelyn Henderson August 27, 2018 at 8:05 PM #

    I understand a lot of what you feel because of my husband’s stroke. But for your child to have to struggle is another level. My baby Norah and your other kids are so amazing. You are Strong, but we need to keep you undergurded in prayer. I love you and you have my prayer support. When you trust me I will babysit!

    • Angela
      Angela August 28, 2018 at 9:40 AM #

      Watching you handle everything with such grace has been a great example to follow. You have always been auntie goals for me lol. I admire your strength so very much! I would rather you retire than babysit 🙂 Thank you for all the support and encouragement and the prayers!

  4. Avatar
    Andrea August 27, 2018 at 10:07 PM #

    This is a perfect story to encourage someone. You are an amazing mother and the strength God has giving you is beautiful.

    • Angela
      Angela August 28, 2018 at 8:36 AM #

      Thank you Andrea!!!